How to protect your socks integrity.

Rich, poor, young, old, male or female... at the end of the day we are simple human beings and face the same issues owing to our very nature. For instance, one of our socks will disappear some day. Always the one.

Since the first chimpanzees stood up, started to walk upright and decreed it would be much more convenient with socks on, one of them ultimately went missing. (Socks, that is. Not chimpanzees. Although they would happily tell you that every now and again one of them goes missing too. Chimpanzees that is. Socks wouldn’t talk would they ?)

Why should it be so? Well the answer is clear: gnomes. Gnomes are to us what pilot fishes are to sharks. Only they’re more of a nuisance, and we don’t have sharp teeth (minds neither in most cases). In the old times, it seems that gnomes used to help around the house at night, but not so much nowadays. They have always had a sock-thieving habit but since they used to be accommodating, this deficiency was regarded as a mandatory part of the bargain and has therefore always remained off the record. Today however, the subject has become a moot point and even a major argument in the last elections media campaign.

Admittedly, what gnomes eat in socks they evacuate as knitted scarves but who needs a scarf in summer? Besides, they happen to have a terribly old-fashioned taste in patterns.

No one knows how the whole thing started, yet it is a fact: gnomes have a one-sock addiction. They simply cannot resist it.

It is part of the gnomes belief that the second sock tastes of undernail scraps. None ever dared challenging the saying, so to be on the safe side they usually stick to the lore and make do with the first. It is very complex determining which of the two socks is the first. In order to assist gnomes in their afflictive choice-making process, several guides have been published. The two more commonly used are the traditional ‘First and foremost: the sacred art of picking’, and a recent publication, more successful within the new generation: ‘First come, first served: the 10-step guide to expert picking’.

Maybe you are a traditionalist and want to keep gnomes around for old times sake, the services they’ve done our nation, or because they are an endangered species. However, if you are tired of people staring at your ankles with a compassionate look in the morning underground, you may want to pay attention to the following advice.Be assured that locking up your underwear drawers won't work. Gnomes are astute creatures, meaning that you will need to show a lot of cunning if you want to deceive them.

You are most likely the proud owner of a few orphan socks already. Using a water-resistant pen, visibly label those socks as ‘1st’. Gnomes will be fooled and rush at them, thereby clearing your drawers of the unwanted goods. Once your stock has expired, label all of your socks as ‘2nd’. They will end up in such a distress that they will leave your house once and for all. Your socks integrity will be assured and fellow commuters shall now stare at your ankle in appreciative awe.